Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”