If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
You Might Also Like
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider