If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
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Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I love the National Park Service.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.