If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
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me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week