Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

WTF

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.