Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.