Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

ㅤ

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

Husband of the year 😂

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

shit just got real

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

The hardest thing Vision has to do

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.