If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
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Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble