Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

😂😂

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB