If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
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ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Managing expectations
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My favorite female superhero
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Help Wanted
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.