If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
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robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
