Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”