Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born