Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Well, this explains it:

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s