If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
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Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
True freaking story!
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide