If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
This will never not be funny to me.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?