If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
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[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Pot warmers of the day.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.