If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Sing it!
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.