If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Extremely relatable.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.