If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me