Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

I’m so full I could puke a horse

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

phew

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*