If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
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We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own