If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
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I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.