If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
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I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.