Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

accurate

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket