If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
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Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows