If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
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Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.