If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
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Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
when there are deer in the woods
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape