If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
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FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
technically true but not a great slogan
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
This is hilarious
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”