“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
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The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
…..pretty much.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now