“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
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When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
our love story in four pictures
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
what
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
