If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
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If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
*me flirting
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room