If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
You Might Also Like
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.