If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
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Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school