Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.