If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
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My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
These 3D printers are insane!
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.