If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
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Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!