If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
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The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
They must have gotten it to go.
😏😏😏
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I finally found a reason to live again.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem