If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
You Might Also Like
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
S/o to @funTweeters .
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.