If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
A comic by Dan Piraro
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Welcome
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
