If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF