Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.