If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
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Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24