Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Food gives you energy to nap more.

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out