If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
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“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
He-man has a Masters degree
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.