If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
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When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
i really liked this one
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
“TGIM!” – My liver
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.