If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
You Might Also Like
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records