If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
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If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.