If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.