Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER