Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

*offers Batman cough drops*

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass