Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there