If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
boys are so easy to impress
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Story of my life…..
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
i baked you a cake
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful