Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

this is so top tier i cant

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

GM✌🏻

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names