If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
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Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
This cat wants you to take your pills
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day