If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
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Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.