If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*