If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I’ll be mad as hell!
58.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.