Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.