Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.