Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: *ports again*

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree