The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
A GoFundMe, so I can buy an avocado.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
ME: gimme a double
BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]
ME: no I meant a double Scotch
BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]