@HomeProbably

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

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@BlazedDonuts

The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.

@seamusmckracken

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

@markedly

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

@amydillon

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@HansGrubertron

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

@mrjohndarby

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: gimme a double

BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]

ME: no I meant a double Scotch

BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]