If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse