If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[on my way back to the posting caves]
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars