If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
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My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil