if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.