If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
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Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns