Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]