Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.