If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed