If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
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Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back