Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

2022 be like

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

😂

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting