Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.