If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Blocked: 1985
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do