Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Me too, bag. Me too….

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.