if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
“i miss shittin on people”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
