if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
roses are red
i fall when i skate
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
